The Adventures of the Amazing Muffin Man
First off, I wrote this at around 6-7am this morning, while really bored after being up for 12 hours or so and had nothing else to do.
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Have you heard of the Muffin Man? The Muffin Man... The greatest muffin that ever was.
No? Alright then, let me tell you a little story about the Muffin Man.
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The Adventures of the Amazing Muffin Man
By WhoIsYou
Once upon a time, in a kitchen, somewhere in Canada, was a woman (obviously) baking muffins. The batter for this batch of muffins was just like any other, but the woman, accidentally added a secret ingredient to one of the muffins; Chemical-X! Thus the Muffin Man was born.
The Muffin Man grew up to become a super hero, who used his ultra-super-powers to fight crime and the forces of evil. His ultimate goal was to keep fruits out of muffin batter. "FRUITS! Blasphemy!" he exclaimed, when he first heard of the common occurrence of people adding such things to their muffin batter. You see, the Muffin Man was a pure-mixed muffin, untainted by fruits or anything of the sort (with the exception of Chemical-X), and he wished to have the same life bestowed upon all other muffins around the world.
The Muffin Man's most fearsome opponents were the Yellow Banana, the Green Apple, and the Killer Carrot, who was not a fruit, but even worse; a vegetable. He searched far and wide to find them. He searched the Kanto region, the Johto region, the Hoenn region, the Sinnoh region, and even the Orange Islands (where he found and defeated Orange Man, but that's a story for another time), to no avail. Finally, one day, he stumbled across a land known as Banana Island. "Of course!" he thought to himself, "Why didn't I think of that earlier? Where else would a giant evil banana live?".
An island inhabited by over 9000 monkeys, and banana-bearing trees everywhere, the Muffin Man had no idea where to look first, so he sought out a monkey who could speak his language. After two days of searching, he eventually ran into an odd inhabitant of the island... A donkey. His name was Monkey Kong, and luckily, he spoke the Muffin Man's language!
After a short conversation about NASDAQ being up, and elevator music, the Muffin Man finally popped the question. "Will you marry me?" he asked. Monkey Kong agreed, and so the Muffin Man and Monkey Kong were wed, right then and there, on Banana Island.
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A year later, the Muffin Man decided that it would be a great time to ask if his wife Monkey Kong knew anything about the Yellow Banana. He was excited when he learned that she did, she even told him where he lived, and how he feared knives. The Muffin Man quickly divorced Monkey Kong after getting all the information he needed out of her and told her to go find her own kitchen.
The Muffin Man grabbed the biggest knife he could find, and set out towards Banana Island. Once he arrived, he immediately set out towards the Yellow Banana's cove. Upon entering, he heard odd sounds; cries for help. The Yellow Banana was torturing muffins, filling them with bananas!
The Amazing Muffin Man ran, as fast as he could, towards the screams, and jumped into the next room screaming "ALAS! I have found you! You've stuffed your last muffin, Yellow Banana!". He lunged towards the Yellow Banana, knife at the ready, grabbed on to the top of the evil banana, and pulled downwards, peeling off his skin. He quickly diced up the Yellow Banana, grabbed the nearest blender, some ice cream, and milk, and made a banana milkshake, drank it, and went to sleep for a while.
After a few days of rest, the Muffin Man decided that it was time to vanquish his next opponent, the Green Apple. A little wiser this time around, the Muffin Man checked the maps for an island called Apple Island, but unfortunately, he couldn't find one in existence. He then decided to consult the internet, and so he visited Google Canada and searched " Island with big green apple ". The first result, could this be what he was looking for? He looked further into it. "Yes!" he exclaimed. This was it, his next destination was New York City. The biggest problem was now getting on a flight that wasn't going to get hijacked and smashed into some giant towers! (Too soon?)
The Muffin Man got on the next flight, and arrived safely. Upon arrival, he didn't even have to search, for he could see a massive apple from right outside the airport's windows. He flagged down a yellow taxi and drove towards the giant menace. He exited the vehicle and walked towards his opponent, and said "Green Apple, your time has come, you shall oppress us no longer!" to which he replied "Lol que? I'm a pear, not an apple." The Muffin Man was not fooled, he could tell the difference between Green Apples and Mexican Pears. And so the Muffin Man pulled out his used knife, and slowly peeled the evil apple. Afterward, he sat there, and watched it slowly rot, and laughed while it let out screams of agony. Birds slowly picked at it, during the next few days, until it was there no longer.
Only one more opponent need be removed from the universe, the Killer Carrot, the most fearsome, most gruesome, most powerful carrot of all time. It's weakness? Rabbits, of course, and the Muffin Man knew this, so he phoned up his good friend Bugs. "What's up Doc?" he asked (Bugs thought that the Muffin Man was a doctor, and didn't know much of his ultra-super-powers), the Muffin Man briefly explained his situation, about how he needed to find and put a stop to the Killer Carrot, and asked Bugs if he and a few of his rabbits could help find, and destroy him. Bugs had heard legends of such a carrot, hiding out somewhere in the Orange County.
After a few days of preparation and travel, the Muffin Man, Bugs, and his friends all set forth towards the Killer Carrot. After searching high and low, they eventually found him in a tanning salon, where he could pass off his orange skin as " the result of a lot of over-tanning ". When the Muffin Man uncovered the evil carrot's true identity, he let out an evil laugh, so loud that the Muffin Man had to block his hearing-holes. The Killer Carrot walked over to his desk, opened it, and pulled out a muffin, one with carrots. "No!" yelled the Muffin Man, as the evil carrot inched the muffin towards his mouth. The Killer Carrot bit into it, while tears ran down the Muffin Man's face. "I... I'll kill you you son of a dirty carrot" he cried, as he pulled a carrot peeler out of his pocket. He ran forward yelling "ATTACK!" jumped on the Killer Carrot, and peeled it, as the hungry rabbits sunk their teeth into him.
It was over. It was all over. The Muffin Man's life was complete, he had done what he always dreamed of, he had saved muffin-kind for ages to come. No more were the days where muffins were tainted with fruits and vegetables. And so, the Amazing Muffin Man set off for retirement. He whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said FRESH and it had dice in the mirror. If anything he could say that this cab was rare, but he thought "Nah, forget it. Yo holmes to Bel-Air!"
He pulled up to his house around seven or eight, and he yelled to the cabbie "Yo holmes, smell ya later!" He looked at his kingdom, he was finally there, to sit in his oven, as the Amazing Muffin of Bel-Air.
